B. Coming I

There are 3 moments in my life to date that I have become more myself. I plan to tell you about each of them but I’ll break it down in three parts. This is part one.

Disclaimer: this post is about abusive relationships. Although I have refrained from describing specific situations, you might find this topic triggering. If you choose to keep reading, please keep in mind that the intent of this message is not to direct hate at the person who hurt me, so I ask that you refrain from making any comments about the person described and instead I hope that you will share your experiences if you feel comfortable doing so or that you will celebrate my growth from this situation. This post is about who I have become despite a bad situation.

When I was in college I was in an abusive relationship. I have come a long way since that relationship but even now I had to rewrite that sentence a couple of times because “abusive” sounds extreme and you see that’s the problem. You tell someone that and their first reaction is, “oh my god, he hit you?” All the sudden you find yourself either downplaying your abuse or talking it up because abuse means one thing. But it doesn’t.

Abuse means lies and manipulation. Abuse means hitting walls and objects. Abuse means constant paranoia and jealousy. Abuse means lying to your friends and family. Abuse means saying no to your favorite activities and things. Abuse means missing out. Abuse is mean words, threats, and flowers the next morning. Abuse means fear. Fearful of your relationship and what it will do to you and more likely the other person because when you are in an abusive relationship you forget to care about yourself.

Abuse in any shape or form is devastating. You are always waiting for things to get worse but then again it doesn’t feel like waiting at all because it’s a blur. A small fight between a normal couple instead escalates so quickly you don’t even see it coming until it’s happening and then you are frantic to get to the other side and once you do you are just grateful “it wasn’t that bad.” I spent nearly a year and a half on that hamster wheel before I was able to get off, and the impact that it has had on my life is significant.

When you leave an abusive relationship there’s this false sense of relief. You think that getting out of the relationship will solve everything, but no one can prepare you for the fall out with yourself. The amount of people who will doubt and question your experience and how that will make you gaslight yourself into thinking you built it up in your mind. The people who will tell you that you should be grateful it wasn’t worse as if the verbal and emotional abuse had no effect on your entire self worth and outlook on relationships. The way you will self-sabotage with alcohol, more toxic relationships, and self-harm. And probably worst of all, how you will continue to talk to yourself the same way that person did to hurt you because by far the biggest impact that an abusive relationship will have on a person is their worth. But it took all of these things to lead me to become a better version of myself.

One of our biggest flaws as humans is that when faced with adversity we deflect instead of reflecting inward. While things may happen to us as result of someone or something out of our control, we are in control of how we react and what we do next. After my relationship ended I spent a lot of time upset with a person and situations that I had no control over. I thought that fixing me had everything to do with holding that person accountable and validation for what happened to me, but the reality is it doesn’t matter. I held that person accountable by saying that I will not allow you to keep treating me this way so I am leaving. I don’t need validation from others because I know what happened and that is enough. No amount of blame was going to put me back together, only I could do that. The moment that I stopped focusing on the things I could not control was when I start gaining more control of my own life and mental health.

All roads will lead back to you if you can just keep going. You may drag your feet, take frequent breaks, or make a couple of detours along the way and none of that matters because you are trying. If you are facing one of these moments in your life I hope that you find the courage to say no to people and things that are harmful to you and that you know you deserve the best but that it starts with you.

Love, B.