Just B.

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B. Coming II

There are 3 moments in my life to date that I have become more myself. I plan to tell you about each of them but I’ll break it down in three parts. This is part two. Make sure to check out part one if you missed it!

Three months after college I moved to St. Louis, MO for my first job. I was sure that it was the fresh start that I needed and hindsight it was, but I was pretty naïve about what a “fresh” start feels like. It sounds so pleasant when you say it like that, but it was uncomfortable, lonely, confusing, and sometimes it was freaking scary. My expectations had been high moving to a “big” city, I thought I’ll make new friends, meet new people, date even. Eventually, all of that did happen but the road to get there was as winding as they come. To this day, I’ll still reflect back on that time in my life and remember how essential it was to get to where I am today. I hadn’t known it a year earlier but all the negative experiences and emotions I thought had been setting me back were really propelling me forward, slowly, painfully shedding and unlearning so many things I perceived about life, society, people, ME. I was becoming.

Until I moved away from my hometown I hadn’t realized just how damaged my perception of myself was. I viewed myself as someone who wasn’t very well liked, an imposter among those I viewed as intelligent or talented, often a second thought or option, I believed that I was ugly, incapable of the love and respect that I’ve come to expect and demand in my present life, and there were many times that I wanted out of my head so badly that I wondered if not being here at all would be any worse off. It’s important for me to say to whoever is reading this that I hope you stay.

For a long time, I resented my hometown, but I’ve come to appreciate it again. I resented its role in perpetuating this construct that there isn’t more to us than our parents and the neighborhoods we grew up in, our status in high school or lack thereof, the grades we got or time on and off the field or on the court, our mistakes and youthful ignorance. I was all of those things and none of them. I wanted to learn and grow and be someone I was proud of. I really wanted to be happy and to share that with someone. I learned that it wasn’t my hometown keeping me down it was society, and people, and me. I didn’t have to be anything I didn’t want to be, nor did my mistakes have to define me, but rather shape me into the person I am today. I had to stop letting toxic people stay in my life on the whim that they might change or apologize. I had some apologizing of my own to do as well. As I started to shed the weight of everything that was holding me back, I felt a shift in all aspects of my life.

So when I say that there was a time, actually many, where I felt like nothing could get better or change I really felt that. I had such a misconception of who I was and about life, that I couldn’t see anything past that. If it weren’t for time, lots of therapy, support from friends and family, and lots of inner reflection that turned into some hard conversations, a few tough realizations, and many valuable lessons than I’m not sure I would have got to where I am today. It was a process which transpired over more than a few years and there were several set-backs, but with each turn I gained a new perspective and was met with personal growth, and it was fuel for the course. I want you to get there too, and I wish it happened a lot quicker than I know it will, but I hope that you’ll read this and be inspired to keep going. You can take breaks, but you cannot quit because you mean too much to all of us. Stay.

Love, B.

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B. Coming I

There are 3 moments in my life to date that I have become more myself. I plan to tell you about each of them but I’ll break it down in three parts. This is part one.

Disclaimer: this post is about abusive relationships. Although I have refrained from describing specific situations, you might find this topic triggering. If you choose to keep reading, please keep in mind that the intent of this message is not to direct hate at the person who hurt me, so I ask that you refrain from making any comments about the person described and instead I hope that you will share your experiences if you feel comfortable doing so or that you will celebrate my growth from this situation. This post is about who I have become despite a bad situation.

When I was in college I was in an abusive relationship. I have come a long way since that relationship but even now I had to rewrite that sentence a couple of times because “abusive” sounds extreme and you see that’s the problem. You tell someone that and their first reaction is, “oh my god, he hit you?” All the sudden you find yourself either downplaying your abuse or talking it up because abuse means one thing. But it doesn’t.

Abuse means lies and manipulation. Abuse means hitting walls and objects. Abuse means constant paranoia and jealousy. Abuse means lying to your friends and family. Abuse means saying no to your favorite activities and things. Abuse means missing out. Abuse is mean words, threats, and flowers the next morning. Abuse means fear. Fearful of your relationship and what it will do to you and more likely the other person because when you are in an abusive relationship you forget to care about yourself.

Abuse in any shape or form is devastating. You are always waiting for things to get worse but then again it doesn’t feel like waiting at all because it’s a blur. A small fight between a normal couple instead escalates so quickly you don’t even see it coming until it’s happening and then you are frantic to get to the other side and once you do you are just grateful “it wasn’t that bad.” I spent nearly a year and a half on that hamster wheel before I was able to get off, and the impact that it has had on my life is significant.

When you leave an abusive relationship there’s this false sense of relief. You think that getting out of the relationship will solve everything, but no one can prepare you for the fall out with yourself. The amount of people who will doubt and question your experience and how that will make you gaslight yourself into thinking you built it up in your mind. The people who will tell you that you should be grateful it wasn’t worse as if the verbal and emotional abuse had no effect on your entire self worth and outlook on relationships. The way you will self-sabotage with alcohol, more toxic relationships, and self-harm. And probably worst of all, how you will continue to talk to yourself the same way that person did to hurt you because by far the biggest impact that an abusive relationship will have on a person is their worth. But it took all of these things to lead me to become a better version of myself.

One of our biggest flaws as humans is that when faced with adversity we deflect instead of reflecting inward. While things may happen to us as result of someone or something out of our control, we are in control of how we react and what we do next. After my relationship ended I spent a lot of time upset with a person and situations that I had no control over. I thought that fixing me had everything to do with holding that person accountable and validation for what happened to me, but the reality is it doesn’t matter. I held that person accountable by saying that I will not allow you to keep treating me this way so I am leaving. I don’t need validation from others because I know what happened and that is enough. No amount of blame was going to put me back together, only I could do that. The moment that I stopped focusing on the things I could not control was when I start gaining more control of my own life and mental health.

All roads will lead back to you if you can just keep going. You may drag your feet, take frequent breaks, or make a couple of detours along the way and none of that matters because you are trying. If you are facing one of these moments in your life I hope that you find the courage to say no to people and things that are harmful to you and that you know you deserve the best but that it starts with you.

Love, B.

Behind Just B.

It’s a little bit surreal that I’m actually putting this out in the world. Just B. a blog about being yourself, loving yourself, and putting that love back out into the universe.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. I’m an anxious person so I don’t like confrontation nor am I good at it, but writing has always been a way for me to get my thoughts and feelings out into the world where they can’t eat me alive. I’m hoping that through sharing my own experiences I can bring some light into your day, your hour, a couple of minutes, or even your outlook on something… whatever it may be. I’ve wanted to do this for a while now because since the beginning of this pandemic we ALL have had so much access to so many things, and unfortunately there’s been so much bad, but there has been some good and I want to be part of it. Even if what I’m sharing isn’t necessarily “good”, if it helps you or gives you a little bit of peace, laughter, anything then I think that’s good enough.

With all that being said, I don’t know how much I’ll post, how often, or what exactly I’ll talk about. It might be a slow start, maybe it will never take off I’m not sure, but I appreciate everyone who will show up and read the only blog post I put up here; or the 100 blog posts that I write. Whatever it is, I’m glad you are here, and I appreciate your support.

Here’s a little more about me to give you an idea about what may be on my mind:

I’m a new mother to a beautiful baby girl, Margo Jane.
I work a demanding corporate job, one which I now balance with being a full-time mom – thanks pandemic.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety since a young age; and I’m currently navigating through postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety.
Mental health issues run on both sides of my family.
Not sure if I’m a diagnosed empath but I’m at least half.
I’m a quietly outspoken extroverted introvert; yes, they do exist.
I’m very emotionally in touch with myself and I thank years of past and present therapy!
My physical appearance, body image, and other people’s perception of those things have always been contributors to my anxiety and self esteem.
I struggle with religion
I believe in equal rights for e v e r y o n e
I’m a huge goofball and I love to make people laugh – sarcasm is a second language of mine, but I try to avoid using it when writing to avoid misunderstanding.
I have a very strong relationship with my parents and family, and I can honestly say that I’ve got some of the best friends in my corner.